Clouds of Sorrow

After a rain storm happens I have been noticing how the sky is nice and clear, and the cloud patterns are gorgeous! One day, while driving to work, I was looking at the dark gray clouds contrasting against some white fluffy clouds in the distance, and the bright blue sky behind them. I thought to myself, "The clouds are like my sorrow." I looked at the cars driving through the intersection, the people running, people walking their dogs, and the kids walking to school. Life was bustling away. The gorgeous sky, and the clouds hanging in the background seemed hardly noticed. 

The clouds hang there in the background, and the busy life happens in the foreground. But as I looked at that clear blue sky behind the clouds I thought, "The blue sky is God. He encompasses it all. He is expansive. He covers everything. And even though my sorrow hangs in the background, God is behind my sorrows." And as I studied the clouds more, through the weeks to follow, I thought about the sun that shines. The sun is God's Son, Jesus. His light cuts through the dark clouds. He shows forth God's love. His light reflects on the clouds of sorrow. Like the clouds, I reflect Christ. If I am living life like I should be. The more I reflect Christ the more beautiful I am, and the more Christ makes something beautiful out of my sorrow.  

Clouds can be dark, filled with lightning and thunder, they can be light and fluffy, or wispy and barely there. Think about a sunset. Or a sunrise. Think about the pinks, purples, oranges... sometimes soft and pretty, and sometimes intense and bright! Takes your breath away, doesn't it? Sometimes it piles up like the pillars of billowy clouds in the sky, sometimes its barely noticeable like the clear blue and sunshine filled days. Is the sorrow ever gone? Well, just like the clouds... no. It just changes day to day, and moment to moment. My sorrow comes and goes like the clouds.

I heard this song on the radio, "Hope in Front of Me" by Danny Gokey. It fit so perfectly, I wanted to set some cloud photos to the song. I ended up using many pictures from the Meg's Miles support group on Facebook that I am in. We run to support a family in grief. The logo on our shirts says, "I run for Meg." And as I think about those words I realize Meg's Mom, Husband, and Mother in law "run for Meg" to feel her presence. To feel what she felt when she ran. To enjoy something that she enjoyed.

Doing something that a loved one used to do makes you feel close to them. After my brother Paul passed away from Melanoma cancer, instead of attending a memorial, his wife Ruth, myself, my other brother Nathan, and my Dad did things that Paul loved to do. We went to his favorite burger joint and had lunch. We went to the fair and went on all the rides that Ruth and he had gone on the year before when he was healthier. Then we did Bikram yoga together, something Ruth and Paul did as instructors, and something Paul started doing to manage terrible back pain from literally breaking his back in half from a 90 foot fall! All those activities made us feel close to him. And this past year, when the 3rd anniversary of Paul's passing came along and I was having a hard time facing it again, I went to a Bikram class almost every day for a week. It was cleansing. It made me feel close to him; it made me miss him, but it also reminded me of him in good ways. I am pretty sure running is something similar for Meg's family. The bitter and the sweet all combined into one. Like the "Clouds of Sorrow," as I've dubbed them.

Here is the video I made with the collection of cloud pictures from the Meg's Miles support group, some I took and some from a friend of mine. As I study clouds and think of the similarities to my sorrow, I see the beauty in the sorrow. If the clouds are my sorrow, and Christ is the sun, when I reflect more of Him the more beautiful I become. I become more full of grace and mercy, love and compassion. And that makes people full of sorrow beautiful people, if they seek after Christ and to be made like Him, and don't let bitterness overtake them. The Bible says, "Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted." Matthew 5:4. That is a promise from God. Cling to that promise, and don't let the dark clouds get you down. The sun is coming, the sky will grow more and more beautiful... just wait and see!

“The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths. These persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity, and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep loving concern. Beautiful people do not just happen.”

- Elisabeth Kubler-Ross 

Psalm 23:4 Even though I walk through the darkest valley, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me.

Revelation 21:4 And God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes; and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain: for the former things are passed away.

Galatians 6:2 (ESV) Bear one another's burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ.

Ecclesiastes 3:1-14

¹ To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven:

² A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up [that which is] planted;

³ A time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up;

⁴ A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance;

⁵ A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;

⁶ A time to get, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away;

⁷ A time to rend, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;

⁸ A time to love, and a time to hate; a time of war, and a time of peace.

I'm not crazy, I'm determined!

"Commit to the Lord whatever you do, and he will establish your plans." Proverbs 16:3

Today I pushed that registration button and signed up for my 2nd FULL marathon. And I know, I said I usually just run half marathons, and I only ran one full... so I still consider myself only half crazy. BUT!!!!....... I say to that, "I am not crazy, I am determined!" (And I give credit to Brooke Roney, a fellow Meg's Miler, for those words. She ran the Walt Disney World Goofy challenge with a sprained ankle.) So there you go. ;-)

My last full marathon was March 9, 2014. My next full will be November 14, 2015. That's 20 months apart. I thought to myself the other day, "That's like the distance between the birth of two children!" And if you think about it from that point of view... it kind of makes sense that I am ready for another one!

The first one took a lot of mental planning. I wasn't sure I was ready, I didn't know if I EVER would be ready, but after my SIL Ruth passed away from Melanoma I thought... I have no more excuses. So, I took the plunge and went for it. And I decided to raise money for Melanoma research, in memory of my brother Paul and his wife Ruth... who BOTH passed away from that horrible type of cancer!

I made some poor training decisions and suffered a few minor injuries along the way. I had many early mornings and sleepless nights. (I woke my husband up with my alarm at 5am so many times he practically begged me to just sleep in for once!) I put my body through months of pain and struggle. Until finally. There it was, the birth of my first marathon. In all its glory and imperfect perfection. The L.A. Marathon was completed, I got my finishers medal. I went home with my new shiny medal and a sense of pride and accomplishment. I had raised $1450 for the Melanoma Research Foundation, I am blessed to have so many supportive and loving friends and co-workers that helped me do that!

The months following the "runner's high" wore off, I was tired from all the rigorous training. I couldn't fathom ever going through all of that again, and neither could my husband. But then, almost a year passes and you realize, "I kinda want to do that again." You are shocked by your own thoughts... but yes, that is what you thought!! Just like having kids. Right when your first starts sleeping through the night, potty training starts and the end of diapers is in sight, there you go, wanting another baby. Fondly looking at other babies (and yes I look fondly at other marathoner's accomplishments). And then your dreams turn into reality. You're ready! "Let's do this!" You think. And there you have it... another child is born Or, in this case, another marathon is born.

And just like with the birth of your first child, you learn a few things. What to do, what not to do. You're more relaxed about it. Nervous... a bit. But you know that you CAN do it. So, if I am crazy for running a full marathon a 2nd time, then so are all the parents in the world with more than one child, that willingly chose to have more than one child!! Haha And perhaps some of you can understand the "craziness" with that analogy. Or maybe not, if you're not a parent... or never gave birth. But take it from me, I am not crazy. I am just full of determination! As my favorite mantra says, "If it doesn't challenge you, it doesn't change you." And I am ready for some changes in my life!

My favorite mantra!

Another Meg's Miler, Scott Donaldson, posted this quote from a Runner's World magazine: "Think about how many people would love the option of running a marathon. You have that option. Do not take it for granted." And after reading that I said to myself, "Yeah! That's right! I am capable! So I am going to do this while I still can!" Because, you know what? There will come a day where I won't be able to run a marathon. There may come a day that I can't even barely walk anymore! But today is NOT that day! No more excuses. I am still capable. I CAN do this! 

In fact, the marathon that I am going to do is in another state! I live in California... and I am going to run a full marathon in Virginia! I mentioned a couple Meg's Milers already, well, a whole bunch of them are going to be there running the Richmond Virginia Marathon, Half Marathon, and 8k. Meggers from all around the world! Even from Germany! We are going to gather together and do what we do, dedicate our miles to Meg. A woman of faith who left this earth way too early, but left us a legacy behind that is hard to live up to. But I will be doing my best to do just that. I want to be a woman of God, a loving wife and mother. I want to give back to my community, and give a warm smile and a word of encouragement to those around me. I want to spend time with my family, and I want to run with all my heart, and seek God in the journey. This marathon is about the attitude and meaning behind all I do. To show others, it is through Christ that I have the strength to accomplish this! And it is by His power that I will be able to do this once again! May He be glorified and honored by this journey I am about to embark on. Amen!

Just like the back of my "I run for Meg" shirt says,"... because Meg ran 4 HIM!"

The ANNAGIZER rises again! RVA 2015 FULL, here I come!!!!!! 

Sprinting towards the finish line!! LA Marathon 2014!!

Holding my finisher's medal after crossing the finish line, just 15 seconds under my max time goal of 6 hrs!

I set up a "virtual piggy bank" Anna: Running for Meg in VA for people who want to help me with the cost of traveling out of state and running the full. Something my boss at work wanted to do for me, to help me reach my goal and to show support. Honestly, the only expenses I have are for this are 1. Registration 2. Shoes 3. Food. The hotel, flights, and transportation have been taken care of. But if I do collect more money than the cost of #1, 2, and 3 I will donate the funds to the Meg's Menzie's Memorial Fund (once that has been officially established) and perhaps even a couple other charities that I feel reflect the Meg's Miles motto of "Be the good." And I had to post this cute picture, I have a real piggy bank on my desk at work...

VA or bust! Feed the piggy! Get the Annagizer to the Richmond Virginia Marathon!

THANK YOU FOR YOUR LOVE AND SUPPORT!! GOD BLESS YOU ALL!