Clouds of Sorrow

After a rain storm happens I have been noticing how the sky is nice and clear, and the cloud patterns are gorgeous! One day, while driving to work, I was looking at the dark gray clouds contrasting against some white fluffy clouds in the distance, and the bright blue sky behind them. I thought to myself, "The clouds are like my sorrow." I looked at the cars driving through the intersection, the people running, people walking their dogs, and the kids walking to school. Life was bustling away. The gorgeous sky, and the clouds hanging in the background seemed hardly noticed. 

The clouds hang there in the background, and the busy life happens in the foreground. But as I looked at that clear blue sky behind the clouds I thought, "The blue sky is God. He encompasses it all. He is expansive. He covers everything. And even though my sorrow hangs in the background, God is behind my sorrows." And as I studied the clouds more, through the weeks to follow, I thought about the sun that shines. The sun is God's Son, Jesus. His light cuts through the dark clouds. He shows forth God's love. His light reflects on the clouds of sorrow. Like the clouds, I reflect Christ. If I am living life like I should be. The more I reflect Christ the more beautiful I am, and the more Christ makes something beautiful out of my sorrow.  

Clouds can be dark, filled with lightning and thunder, they can be light and fluffy, or wispy and barely there. Think about a sunset. Or a sunrise. Think about the pinks, purples, oranges... sometimes soft and pretty, and sometimes intense and bright! Takes your breath away, doesn't it? Sometimes it piles up like the pillars of billowy clouds in the sky, sometimes its barely noticeable like the clear blue and sunshine filled days. Is the sorrow ever gone? Well, just like the clouds... no. It just changes day to day, and moment to moment. My sorrow comes and goes like the clouds.

I heard this song on the radio, "Hope in Front of Me" by Danny Gokey. It fit so perfectly, I wanted to set some cloud photos to the song. I ended up using many pictures from the Meg's Miles support group on Facebook that I am in. We run to support a family in grief. The logo on our shirts says, "I run for Meg." And as I think about those words I realize Meg's Mom, Husband, and Mother in law "run for Meg" to feel her presence. To feel what she felt when she ran. To enjoy something that she enjoyed.

Doing something that a loved one used to do makes you feel close to them. After my brother Paul passed away from Melanoma cancer, instead of attending a memorial, his wife Ruth, myself, my other brother Nathan, and my Dad did things that Paul loved to do. We went to his favorite burger joint and had lunch. We went to the fair and went on all the rides that Ruth and he had gone on the year before when he was healthier. Then we did Bikram yoga together, something Ruth and Paul did as instructors, and something Paul started doing to manage terrible back pain from literally breaking his back in half from a 90 foot fall! All those activities made us feel close to him. And this past year, when the 3rd anniversary of Paul's passing came along and I was having a hard time facing it again, I went to a Bikram class almost every day for a week. It was cleansing. It made me feel close to him; it made me miss him, but it also reminded me of him in good ways. I am pretty sure running is something similar for Meg's family. The bitter and the sweet all combined into one. Like the "Clouds of Sorrow," as I've dubbed them.

Here is the video I made with the collection of cloud pictures from the Meg's Miles support group, some I took and some from a friend of mine. As I study clouds and think of the similarities to my sorrow, I see the beauty in the sorrow. If the clouds are my sorrow, and Christ is the sun, when I reflect more of Him the more beautiful I become. I become more full of grace and mercy, love and compassion. And that makes people full of sorrow beautiful people, if they seek after Christ and to be made like Him, and don't let bitterness overtake them. The Bible says, "Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted." Matthew 5:4. That is a promise from God. Cling to that promise, and don't let the dark clouds get you down. The sun is coming, the sky will grow more and more beautiful... just wait and see!

“The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths. These persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity, and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep loving concern. Beautiful people do not just happen.”

- Elisabeth Kubler-Ross 

Psalm 23:4 Even though I walk through the darkest valley, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me.

Revelation 21:4 And God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes; and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain: for the former things are passed away.

Galatians 6:2 (ESV) Bear one another's burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ.

Ecclesiastes 3:1-14

¹ To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven:

² A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up [that which is] planted;

³ A time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up;

⁴ A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance;

⁵ A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;

⁶ A time to get, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away;

⁷ A time to rend, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;

⁸ A time to love, and a time to hate; a time of war, and a time of peace.

I'm not crazy, I'm determined!

"Commit to the Lord whatever you do, and he will establish your plans." Proverbs 16:3

Today I pushed that registration button and signed up for my 2nd FULL marathon. And I know, I said I usually just run half marathons, and I only ran one full... so I still consider myself only half crazy. BUT!!!!....... I say to that, "I am not crazy, I am determined!" (And I give credit to Brooke Roney, a fellow Meg's Miler, for those words. She ran the Walt Disney World Goofy challenge with a sprained ankle.) So there you go. ;-)

My last full marathon was March 9, 2014. My next full will be November 14, 2015. That's 20 months apart. I thought to myself the other day, "That's like the distance between the birth of two children!" And if you think about it from that point of view... it kind of makes sense that I am ready for another one!

The first one took a lot of mental planning. I wasn't sure I was ready, I didn't know if I EVER would be ready, but after my SIL Ruth passed away from Melanoma I thought... I have no more excuses. So, I took the plunge and went for it. And I decided to raise money for Melanoma research, in memory of my brother Paul and his wife Ruth... who BOTH passed away from that horrible type of cancer!

I made some poor training decisions and suffered a few minor injuries along the way. I had many early mornings and sleepless nights. (I woke my husband up with my alarm at 5am so many times he practically begged me to just sleep in for once!) I put my body through months of pain and struggle. Until finally. There it was, the birth of my first marathon. In all its glory and imperfect perfection. The L.A. Marathon was completed, I got my finishers medal. I went home with my new shiny medal and a sense of pride and accomplishment. I had raised $1450 for the Melanoma Research Foundation, I am blessed to have so many supportive and loving friends and co-workers that helped me do that!

The months following the "runner's high" wore off, I was tired from all the rigorous training. I couldn't fathom ever going through all of that again, and neither could my husband. But then, almost a year passes and you realize, "I kinda want to do that again." You are shocked by your own thoughts... but yes, that is what you thought!! Just like having kids. Right when your first starts sleeping through the night, potty training starts and the end of diapers is in sight, there you go, wanting another baby. Fondly looking at other babies (and yes I look fondly at other marathoner's accomplishments). And then your dreams turn into reality. You're ready! "Let's do this!" You think. And there you have it... another child is born Or, in this case, another marathon is born.

And just like with the birth of your first child, you learn a few things. What to do, what not to do. You're more relaxed about it. Nervous... a bit. But you know that you CAN do it. So, if I am crazy for running a full marathon a 2nd time, then so are all the parents in the world with more than one child, that willingly chose to have more than one child!! Haha And perhaps some of you can understand the "craziness" with that analogy. Or maybe not, if you're not a parent... or never gave birth. But take it from me, I am not crazy. I am just full of determination! As my favorite mantra says, "If it doesn't challenge you, it doesn't change you." And I am ready for some changes in my life!

My favorite mantra!

Another Meg's Miler, Scott Donaldson, posted this quote from a Runner's World magazine: "Think about how many people would love the option of running a marathon. You have that option. Do not take it for granted." And after reading that I said to myself, "Yeah! That's right! I am capable! So I am going to do this while I still can!" Because, you know what? There will come a day where I won't be able to run a marathon. There may come a day that I can't even barely walk anymore! But today is NOT that day! No more excuses. I am still capable. I CAN do this! 

In fact, the marathon that I am going to do is in another state! I live in California... and I am going to run a full marathon in Virginia! I mentioned a couple Meg's Milers already, well, a whole bunch of them are going to be there running the Richmond Virginia Marathon, Half Marathon, and 8k. Meggers from all around the world! Even from Germany! We are going to gather together and do what we do, dedicate our miles to Meg. A woman of faith who left this earth way too early, but left us a legacy behind that is hard to live up to. But I will be doing my best to do just that. I want to be a woman of God, a loving wife and mother. I want to give back to my community, and give a warm smile and a word of encouragement to those around me. I want to spend time with my family, and I want to run with all my heart, and seek God in the journey. This marathon is about the attitude and meaning behind all I do. To show others, it is through Christ that I have the strength to accomplish this! And it is by His power that I will be able to do this once again! May He be glorified and honored by this journey I am about to embark on. Amen!

Just like the back of my "I run for Meg" shirt says,"... because Meg ran 4 HIM!"

The ANNAGIZER rises again! RVA 2015 FULL, here I come!!!!!! 

Sprinting towards the finish line!! LA Marathon 2014!!

Holding my finisher's medal after crossing the finish line, just 15 seconds under my max time goal of 6 hrs!

I set up a "virtual piggy bank" Anna: Running for Meg in VA for people who want to help me with the cost of traveling out of state and running the full. Something my boss at work wanted to do for me, to help me reach my goal and to show support. Honestly, the only expenses I have are for this are 1. Registration 2. Shoes 3. Food. The hotel, flights, and transportation have been taken care of. But if I do collect more money than the cost of #1, 2, and 3 I will donate the funds to the Meg's Menzie's Memorial Fund (once that has been officially established) and perhaps even a couple other charities that I feel reflect the Meg's Miles motto of "Be the good." And I had to post this cute picture, I have a real piggy bank on my desk at work...

VA or bust! Feed the piggy! Get the Annagizer to the Richmond Virginia Marathon!

THANK YOU FOR YOUR LOVE AND SUPPORT!! GOD BLESS YOU ALL!

Dare to Dream

This is my audition number from my America's Got Talent audition this past Sunday, Feb 15, 2015. Yeah, I tried out for AGT. Let me tell you the story about how this all came to be.

The idea got into my head a few months ago to try out when my husband showed me a video. Actually he showed me several videos from people that auditioned for America's Got Talent. One in particular spurred me on to actually register myself! Her name is Anna, like me! Here is the video below. She has an anxiety and depression disorder and decided to try out. It was amazing to see her do this. Just being there, strong and brave, was inspiring. I don't even know if she went further on the show. But the video is very moving, and by the end I was crying.

My husband kept showing me other videos, all of them made me cry. I thought to myself, "I could do that! I could try out for that show!" I didn't think, "I could win!" I was just thinking how these people were brave and tried something, and even these video clips on YouTube are inspiring people... like me! In my home! Sitting on my couch! How awesome is that?! The decision to go on a show and try out, to show your heart, to bare your soul to the world. To do something that scares you, and is outside your comfort zone. That is some inspirational stuff! 

Signing up to run a marathon is similar, in the sense that you are doing something that is outside your comfort zone. Even months of training and long hours at the gym never fully prepare you for the mental task of that race day, to run 26.2 miles. It's an amazing experience though! Both inspiring to watch others do, and to do yourself! And its something I am thinking of doing again! (I know, I KNOW, I am crazy!) Even crazier than signing up for a full marathon, though, was this idea to sign up to audition for America's Got Talent. 

When I checked out the audition dates I saw they were holding them in L.A. either 2/14/15, Valentine's Day, or 2/15/15, a Sunday. I live about 35 miles from L.A. I chose V-day and registered. I thought, "Hey why not? And if my husband comes with me for moral support we will  just hang out together on V-day." He agreed to join me on this crazy journey. He was like, "Sure. Why not?" We both had no idea what the outcome would be. I thought of the benefits to getting on the show to my family. What if someone liked my music and paid for me to make an album, and then I sold that album? Or even just ONE song sold! How great would that be for my family and my extended family, who all need financial help. And how awesome would it be to give back to our church, who helped us survive a year and half while we were both jobless, with two kids and a mortgage?! There were a lot of "What ifs" and "Wouldn't that be cool?" And "Why not try?" You never know what is even possible if you don't even TRY! 

I didn't know if God would bless this decision. What I DO know, however, is that the gifts and talents we have been given belong to God to use for His glory and for His purposes. If I am only supposed to use my gifts and talents at my church, then that is what I will do. But giving God glory with your talents doesn't always just mean using them in a ministry setting. Doing what God created you to do brings Him glory. If  He gave me a gift and I never used that gift, then I am not bringing Him glory. My act of worship is in the USE of that talent, or gift. I got confirmation of this theory through a devotional post by Rick Warren: Use Your Gifts As an Act of Worship In this devotion he says, "You don't have to always be doing something spiritual to bring God glory." I took this as affirmation and a green light to go ahead! And as I shared my plans with friends and my church family, I didn't get any flack about it. They were all supportive and knew that my heart was in the right place, because I really am not seeking fame and fortune. But a way to use my talents, bless others, and if financial blessings come to my family through this I would be ecstatic! AND I would use that money to bless others and help them, as we have been helped so much! I absolutely want GOD to get all the glory in this, and if He isn't going to be glorified in this, then I know my plans will never succeed anyways.

Well, not long after I made this decision my husband got a job offer! Yay! He was very stressed out at his current job, and we had been praying for a year for a better situation, as well as better pay. God answered our prayers and gave Jason a better paying job, and one where we didn't have to relocate (double blessing). BUT... for his new job he would be going out of town for three weeks, on 2/15/15! So, now the idea of sitting in Los Angeles for most of our day on 2/14/15 didn't seem like such a grand idea. He needed to pack, and we needed to be together as a family. So, I said that is okay. I actually had made an audition video to send as well, so I felt that was enough for God to do His will in this situation. So, I left it. Here is my video: Anna Dwinger's AGT Audition video (Only correction to the video... I wrote "December Dreams" a month before I found out I was pregnant with my son, not a month before he was born! Ah well... lol)

Then Saturday 2/14/15 came along. I helped with worship at my church's women's breakfast event that morning. And several ladies asked if I was going to the AGT audition. I said no, and explained why. They were disappointed for me, and said they had a good feeling about it for me. Well, I said I would pray about it. I would need someone to watch my kids. I couldn't sit for several hours waiting to audition in a room full of strangers in downtown L.A. with them! They would go nuts... and so would I!! 

Then on the way home I had an idea, I would call one of my bestest friends in the WHOLE wide world, and ask her what she thought I should do. I was feeling like it wasn't time to give up yet. Just like when I ran so many races before, and I felt sick the weeks before, or I had been injured and was just starting to feel better. The race may go well, or it may not. But I don't like to give up before I even reach the starting line. I would rather try and fail, than to not even try at all. So, I approached this with the same attitude. If there was ANY chance for me to go, I should at least try. If I fail to get there, then the video has been sent and that could be enough. My BFF said she didn't think I was crazy and that she also felt disappointed that I had decided not to go try out. Then she said she had the 15th off and she and her husband could watch my kids! They even live in L.A., so it was kinda perfect. And she offered to let us all sleep there overnight if my audition went late. PERFECT! Thank you Lord! And thank you BFF and BFF's hubby!! 

So, my husband left Sunday morning. I went to church, sang in the choir, sang on the 2nd service worship team. All as planned. And then I got lunch for me and the kids, and headed out to LA. Feeling kinda crazy, and my attitude was, "Whatever happens, happens." I knew God was in control, and I couldn't do anything more than my best. Show up, play, leave, and leave it in God's hands from there. So that is what I did. 

I waited around for few hours, and finally got my turn to audition. I played my song, "December Dreams," and I left. There was one producer there listening to me, and one camera man filming me. And two other people waiting their turn in the room. After I played the producer guy smiled pleasantly, said, "That was very nice. Thank you!" A positive response, but I have no idea if my audition will get me to the live audition recorded for TV. But after that, I was done. It was time to move on. I spent the night at my BFF's home and then spent the next day, a holiday, with my kids visiting friends and having a great time. I won't hear until "Spring" if I make the show. If I don't make it, then they won't call. So... no use even sitting by the phone. It's all in God's control. I am not even going to worry or stress over it. 

Last night I was looking over some of the songs I have written and there is one that has words (not instrumental like the one in my audition video.) And they fit so well for this whole journey, and my life these past few years. It's called "Dare to Dream." Maybe I will get a chance to perform it on the show! I will leave you with these final words. 

Some days I wake up and I wonder,

"Will the clouds keep rolling in?"

I'm so tired of hearing thunder, 

when will my life's storm end?

I dreamt of singing a new song, 

But was drowned out by the crowd.

Now here I am, it's been so long,

Since I dared to dream out loud. 

If I dare to dream, what is there to lose?

If I dare to dream it could all come true!

If I dare to dream.

I can see storm clouds departing.

Gray skies no longer around.

I feel my life is just starting,

nothing to keep me down.

If I dare to dream, what is there to lose?

If I dare to dream it could all come true!

If I dare to dream the impossible dream it could all come true!

Don't let anyone say, "Dreams don't come true!" 

The impossible dream, it could all come true.

If I dare to dream, it could all come true!

If I dare to dream.

- Anna Dwinger

Justified Freely

I recently had to report for jury duty. It was the first time I had actually ever gone. Before I was always able to get out of it for various reasons: stay at home Mom FT while husband was out of town for 5 weeks at a time, pregnant, nursing, financial hardship etc.... So, I was actually kind of looking forward to seeing what all this was about. I was curious. Would I hate it like everyone else does? I actually didn't mind the idea of sitting around for a day reading a book, or playing around on the Internet etc. I could handle that. It's the unknown of whether you will be called onto a trial that is stressful. But I just embraced the wait and made the best of the situation. I also wasn't sure I would even hate serving on a trial!

While I was waiting at one courthouse they started calling people to go to another courthouse. They asked people from certain cities to go over. After a couple rounds of people they said they needed more, and then they called my city. I thought, "This isn't good. If they are short handed I may end up on a trial." But they said it was mandatory to go over, so I had no choice. After I arrived at the new courthouse it wasn't long until they called my name. 55 potential jurors were called in to be questioned to see who would be on the panel.

When we got into the room we were told by the judge that this was a DUI case. Immediately my heart started thumping, I was getting upset...  I prayed for the Lord to calm me. I didn't know yet, after all, if I would have to serve on the trial. I still had a chance to get out of it. So, I waited my turn to be questioned. You see, this was not the day for a DUI trial. This was Monday 1/12/15 and one year prior, on a Monday 1/13/14 a woman (a fellow runner and mother of 3) was struck by a drunk driver and killed. I run for this woman and her grieving family. I spoke about this on my previous post: My Meg's Miles Shoes It was late in the day, and we had to come back the next morning. They barely had gotten through the first group of 18 people for questioning. This made it even worse. The following day was the one year anniversary date of Meg's passing.

The next day they were about two people away from getting their jury together for the trial when the judge told us there was a medical emergency she had to attend to. She was canceling the trial for now. We were free to go home. I hadn't even been questioned yet. I actually was half hoping that I would be in the hot seat for questioning! I wanted a chance to tell Meg's story. Every story that someone shared of why they didn't want to sit on a DUI trial, the defendant heard it. I was praying he was listening. I didn't know his circumstances, and thankfully he hadn't hurt anyone while driving, but if he was a drinker and he was driving drunk... he needed to hear these stories. But it was not in God's plans for me. But there is something I learned from this trial that I would like to share.

The Judge asked every potential juror if we could uphold the law, even if we didn't always agree with it. Could we follow the law as written, not add our own interpretations or feelings to it... just obey the law and serve a sentence to the individual on trial that is in accordance with that law?

An interesting hypothetical that was thrown out there by the prosecutor. If there was a Grandma sitting in the defendant's chair, and she was on trial for feeding the ducks with her grandkids on a Wednesday at a park, when the sign at the park said "No feeding ducks on a Wednesday," and Grandma got convinced to do it by her grandkids, because that was the last day the ducks would be there before they flew South for the Winter... could you say, "Grandma is guilty!" Without knowing the consequence the judge would give her?

Apply this to the Bible. It is God's law. Sometimes we may not agree with the law that He established. Sometimes we just flat out don't understand why or what purpose it serves. But do we have enough faith in God to follow it and obey it? Can we trust God to serve judgement in the most fair and just way to even "Grandma?" If someone chooses to disobey God's law, are we able to be like a jury and to tell others, "You are guilty of breaking the law"? Because, as Christians that is what we are to do. Thankfully the difference is, when we say that we also can say, "There is someone who will take the sentence for you. You don't have to face the penalty of your law breaking. He will take it for you. You are free to go." How amazing would that be for those sitting in a court of law?! To sit there, waiting for your sentence for breaking the law, hearing your sentence, and then to have someone say... "Your honor, I would like to take this individual's place and serve their sentence for them."

That is what Jesus did for us. He died on the cross, he took the death sentence upon himself, and he has told God, "I got this. They are with me. You can let them go."

Romans 3:23 "For ALL have sinned and fall short of the glory of God. And all are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ." (emphasis added)

You are guilty... and so am I. But the good news is John 3:16... Jesus died for YOU and me!

My Meg's Miles Shoes

I bought these shoes in January 2014 to run my first full marathon in. I only ran 17.75 miles in them before I ran 13.6 miles on January 18th, my first Meg's miles. 

What is "Meg's Miles," you may be asking. January 13, 2014 a Mother of 3 young kids was running with her husband during training for the Boston marathon. It was a Monday morning, and she was hit by a drunk driver. Soon a woman that knew Meg was reaching out to the Mom's Run This Town community and asking us to dedicate our miles on Saturday to Meg. We were to post our runs on Facebook with the hash tag #MegsMiles. I was on a break from running due to a small stress fracture starting below my knee. But that weekend I was planning on trying out my leg on a long run.  I gladly ran that day for Meg. I was a Mom training for a marathon, just like Meg. And I felt that could have easily been me on an early morning run. 

March 9, 2014 I ran the L.A. Marathon. I finished in 5:59:18. I was hoping for somewhere between 5 hours and 6hrs max. With that stress fracture still looming I had to take it easy, and I just barely made it under 6. But I finished. June 21st I ran my fastest 10k, 8:31 min/mi pace! Never ran that pace for any distance over 1 mile before or since! I also placed 3rd in my age group! I had NEVER placed in a race before! Not even any 5ks I had done! 

Interesting thing... The same day I started running for Meg I started running for God. Coincidence, perhaps. Perhaps not. From that first 13.6miles, through the marathon, to that 10k... my miles were spent praying for Meg, for my friends and family. The hours of training and racing I spent giving my worries, my stress, my grief to God. Grief? You say. Yes... I lost my Mom when my daughter was almost 2 yrs old, July 2009. While I was pregnant with my son, my oldest brother was diagnosed with stage 4 metastasized melanoma cancer. Paul passed away when my son was 11 months old, July 2011. I started running after Paul passed away. Did my first 5k in October 2011. May 2012 I ran my first half. A year and a half after Paul died his wife also passed away, diagnosed with melanoma in her brain. She didn't know she had melanoma while Paul was alive. Ruth died in just two short months after diagnosis, December 2012. It was after her death (and after finishing my 3rd half marathon) that I went from running half marathons to deciding to run a full. Something that terrified me. And something I thought was impossible. But there was a time I thought running 3 miles was crazy! I decided to raise money for Melanoma Research and make this one count for something! My runs became a time I spent not only praying, but listening to uplifting music and worshiping God.  

As I realized God wanted me to use my runs as a way to connect with Him I couldn't justify to myself also running for Meg. I didn't see how the two fit together. Then I learned Meg was a Christian too! And I felt a nudge from the Lord saying, "It's okay. You can run for me and for Meg." The group on Facebook that grew daily to over 17,400+ members had become a place I looked forward to visiting. Every post was inspiring and so encouraging. And then I realized that I had a place like that for Paul... and I understood how it must feel for Scott, Meg's husband, and her Mom and her Mother-in-law to visit that page every day. 

The website I go to is a like a living memorial to Paul. It lives and breathes, and his spirit is kept alive by his climbing buddies and the climbing community. Not everyone knew Paul personally, but they were all touched by his story, his battle, and his passing. They post pictures from their trips where they have taken his ashes with him on their climbs. We literally sold chalk balls with a pinch of Paul's ashes in them to people that were willing to take him with them on their climbs. It was Paul's idea actually, and in his sense of humor he dubbed the chalk balls, "Paul's Balls." Here is a link to the site on Super Topo: Paul's Balls There are no more ashes left. When Ruth passed away, the end of "Paul's Balls" came with it. And my Dad dispersed the rest of Paul's ashes among his many favorite climbing locations. But people still have those bags of chalk. And they still climb with him! One of the gals on the site said, 

 ...PAUL'S BALLS was the man's idea so it's also difficult to find anything but big fun in the idea and that Paul will be on many-a-crimp, deep in hand cracks, smeared on the sides of chimneys on crags, alpine, gyms........sheesh. Paul Is Everywhere!!! It's as hilarious as it is godly.....

Yup... he got it. Every time I go on that site I am moved to tears. Paul is everywhere! And he is where he loved to be. On the mountains, on the sides of cliffs, in the cracks of rocks. Meg's Miles is like that site. It's a place that we all carry the memory of Meg on. Her spirit is kept alive among us. She is where she loved to be. On that early morning run with the sunrise, with her running buddies chatting and having a good time, training for the hardest race of her life, and running some fun ones... And the spirit of Christ that was in Meg is in many of us. So now, I post my miles for Meg and for God. I post for her family. To encourage them and to inspire other runners. I can't climb like Paul climbed, so I run. And I continue to raise awareness for melanoma and raise money for research to cure melanoma cancer. But as I run it's nice to know I can also encourage a family that has lost their loved one. 1 Corinthians 1:3-4 says,

"Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction so that we will be able to comfort those who are in any affliction with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God."

So, it all makes sense in the end. I run for God and I run for Meg, because she ran for Him! I also run for Paul and Ruth, for melanoma cancer research and awareness... but who says that doesn't fit into all of this either? I think I like my little running group: me, God, Mom, Paul, Ruth, and Meg.

And soon those shoes, those very special shoes... will be here. On Meg's memorial.

I hope to reach 800 miles for Meg by 1/18/15. One year, 800 miles for Meg. And if I can place those shoes there with my own two hands, even better. We shall see. Only God knows. But I hope so. She has brought so much meaning to my running, so much deeper meaning than I ever thought possible. Thank you Meg! And God bless your children, your husband, your Mom, your Mother-in-law and all the other relatives and friends that miss your smile every day. May the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Amen
(Phil 4:7) 

#MegsMiles #RunforHim #RunforGod

1/18/15 NOTE: I was able to complete 753 running miles for Meg. I also completed 112.65 biked miles last year in training and for my sprint-triathlon. I dedicate fully these 865.65 miles to Meg and to God, whom she loved and served all her days on earth, and continues to serve in Heaven. Amen.

Conquering the Mountain!

I ran my 6th half marathon November 15, 2014. My time was 2:24:04. It was a downhill half, and I was hoping to PR and break the 2:11 barrier, but alas... that didn't happen. But compared to my average time on previous half marathons, of 2:28, I was happy. Not every race can be a "Personal Record."

A few factors contributed to my inability to blow any previous times out of the water, despite the downhill edge. The week before the race my allergies were really bad, I eventually found allergy medicine that cured my symptoms, but it gave me that "medicine head" feeling. I felt like I was walking around with a hang over. But hey, at least my nose stopped dripping and my throat wasn't sore anymore! I missed my last Saturday taper run of 6 miles due to feeling horrible from the allergies and the medicine, so when Tuesday evening ran around I sucked it up and decided to keep the running date I had made with my two training buddies for the half marathon. I almost didn't go... I texted them my complaints of feeling miserable and they asked, "Does that mean you aren't going?" And I said, "No, just whining." I was hoping they would be like, "Yeah, I am too tired, I am going to pass too." But no. They were both ready to get 'er done! So I left work and headed to the trail by a local park.

During that run, after 3 miles, my running buddy asked if my Runkeeper app on my phone was tracking the run (not that it mattered, they both had theirs going and I had my Garmin on me). I like the app though, it gives a cool map and has immediate gratification of being able to upload your screenshot to social media. So, I checked it out, it was working, so I jammed it back into my belt and then........ BAM!! I tripped! It was ironic, because out of the three of us I was the only one wearing a headlamp. LOL I got up and assessed the damage. The brunt of the fall was taken by my left leg below my knee (on the side of my calf). And my left hand was throbbing and had a little road rash on it as well. I felt like the side of my thigh had been hit as well, and there was a smaller scrape below my knee. "Oh lovely.... and I have a race in 4 days," I thought. I continued on our run, we were almost to our turn around point. I assured my friends I was okay. My hand throbbed as I ran, but the leg pain hadn't hit me yet. 2 miles later we made it back to our cars and I was DONE. Forget 6 miles, I was good with 5. When I got into the car to drive home my left leg started burning with horrible pain. I was glad I only lived around the corner from the park, but I couldn't get home soon enough!

As if that wasn't bad enough I developed another problem that same night. It's not something I want to really elaborate on too much, but it was what we would delicately call a "female problem," and it was making me miserable. When I woke up I felt like a hot mess. Between the allergies, the fall, and this new development I was starting to think that the race coming up was not going to happen for me. I went to the Doctor right away, he checked out my injury and said I had done a good job cleaning it out. (That's at least SOME good news.) Then he prescribed a pill and some other medicines for my "female problem" and then he did me a solid and confirmed my allergies were just that, and not some horrible cold or developing flu. That's the last thing I needed! The Doctor said I should feel better by Saturday (which was the day of my race). So, that was promising. In the mean time I just had to take care of my leg and evaluate for myself if it was "race worthy." (You know... like "sea worthy" but for running. haha)

I believe it was 3am Thursday morning that I sent out a text to my two running buddies. I said I wasn't sure if I was going to run Saturday. They knew about my allergies and my road rash, but they didn't know yet about how miserable I was with the addition of my 3rd ailment. I could suck it up for allergies.... I could suck it up for some road rash on my leg, but I didn't know if I could suck it up for those two things AND the third all combined into one miserable mess. I was starting to think this was a sign from God NOT to run.

When I talked to my husband about it all he said to give it one more day before deciding to call it quits. Wise words. This support helped me to consider that this half marathon was actually still within the realm of possibility. Then I opened my email and saw this devotional from Rick Warren titled, "Don't Give up!" I thought perhaps this is a sign from God. I didn't know for sure. But that particular devotion is ALWAYS on point for what I am going through on a particular day. So I thought it was interesting. Coincidence? Maybe... but maybe not. And as I went to work that day all my symptoms seemed to be better than the day before, and even better than that restless night. I had hope that in even just one or two more days my misery would be even more improved than in this past 24 hrs. As the day went on my text messages to my running friends went from whines to cries of, "I would rather try and fail than to not even try at all!" I decided I would prefer to start the race, discover my leg just wasn't going to be able to handle it, or that my body was rejecting the idea of running completely, and hop on a golf cart to the finish line than to never even make it to the start line.

My friends were excited, and I started to get excited again myself. There were so many reasons I wanted to do this race, after all.

#1 A bunch of Mom's Run This Town chapters were all meeting each other at this race. It would be the first time we all did this. We had interacted online quite a bit, but many of us never met in person before. And one of my running buddies was going to stay over night with me in a hotel, since it was a little further from home. And what Mom doesn't want a chance to spend the night in a hotel with no kids! Am I right?

#2 I am in a group on Facebook called "Meg's Miles Supporters" and I had purchased my first shirt from them and was going to run with it on during this race. And the significance to that was major. Not only was this the first time I owned a Meg's Miles shirt, but a whole other group of Meggers were running in Richmond Virginia their own half and full marathons. I kinda felt connected to them and their excitement by doing a race on the same day, in my shirt. I was very excited about the back of the shirt as well... "I run for Meg, because Meg ran 4 him." Goes perfectly with my Run for God mentality! I want to give glory to Him for every run I do! (Meg was a Mother, a runner training for the Boston marathon, and a Christian. She was hit by a drunk driver on a morning run January 13, 2014. The profits from this shirt go to the husband and family of Meg's. So, this meant a lot to me.) Here is my shirt, and my lovely road rash.

#3 It was my first half marathon on a Saturday (I have sworn off running on Sundays... see previous post), and it was downhill, and it was an inaugural run. The whole thing was so well planned by the REVEL Canyon City folks that I knew the experience would be amazing, an experience unlike any of the previous 4 halfs I have done or the one full. And truthfully, the bling was AMAZING (see top photo)! Even our race photos were free! And there was pie at the end! PIE! Anyways... needless to say, I was very excited just to experience this race. LOL

Friday came, I took the day off work. And after dinner, with the gal that was staying at the hotel with me, we headed out. At this point I had stopped the allergy meds to hopefully kick this "hangover" feeling, but I truly felt miserable still. Then by that evening my leg was swelling up and I was getting a bit worried. I took some Advil, wrapped my leg with two bags of ice and crawled into bed... praying that my leg would be in decent enough condition to run the next morning. After about 5 hours of sleep we headed to the race, I grabbed a fresh bag of ice for the bus ride to the start line. I was pleased so see my leg wasn't swollen, and it was feeling pretty good, and even my medicine-head feeling was markedly improved. Things were looking hopeful.

I met the MRTT ladies, we headed down the mountain, and I did feel the road rash on my leg a bit as my foot struck the ground. But it was bearable. I knew my speed was going to be slower due to this, but I was okay with that. I was there to have fun and enjoy the view of that beautiful course! I prayed for friends, I listened to worship music and praised God for the sound of the rushing river beside me. I even got a couple, "Nice shirt!" Comments as people passed me by. It has a verse on the back, Isaiah 40:31 "But those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint." I felt that I was running with the torch for Christ in my hand. Carrying forward Meg's legacy. It was a sobering thought.

After I crossed at 2:24 I was proud I had stuck it out and finished what I had set out to do. I hobbled to our MRTT tent and stuck a whole bag of ice on my leg and smiled. I did it! I persevered! With the Lord's help, I conquered the mountain! I think I will do it again next year... but hopefully minus any scrapes or any other issues. hahaha

No More Sunday Run Days

I ran a 10 miler race this past Sunday, I met up with a few other gals, we wore mermaid running costumes, and we had a fun time. But I felt in my heart that God wants me to stop doing races on Sundays. So, I decided after this one I wouldn't race on Sunday anymore. I found a half marathon race in November that is on a Saturday, which is rare... but they exist. 

It's not about attending church, because there are plenty of services for me to attend that aren't on Sunday mornings, I actually did attend an evening service last week. But I sing in choir, and I also sing for special music numbers and I'm in one of the Praise and worship teams that rotates in once a month, and I occasionally am needed to fill in on the keyboard or to play the piano. Sometimes I am asked to fill in for those that are sick or on vacation. And this past Sunday wasn't a choir day, nor a praise team day for me, but my music director was a bit bummed because he was going to ask me to sing in a small group ensemble on Sunday. I was kinda bummed too. I really enjoy helping with the music ministry at my church. I know I don't have the BEST voice, nor am I the most talented pianist there ever was... but what little I have, I have given to God to use. And by doing these races on Sundays I am missing out on serving in this area of ministry, to which I have been called. And I am missing out on being blessed. I always feel blessed and humbled every time God chooses to use me to serve our church in this capacity.

The theme of the past few weeks, in my Bible studies and at church, has been surrendering everything over to God. I gave my running to God while I was training for the LA Full Marathon earlier this year. He first had me turn my music on my MP3 player totally over to Him. So, I did. While I ran every word I meditated on, and it got stuck in my head. And if it was not uplifting then I was thinking on things that I really didn't want in my brain. Then I got an injury below my right knee, and He asked me to trust Him to heal me, to stop running and ride my bike to train. So, I trusted Him. And He healed my knee and I ran and finished the LA Marathon! The experience was humbling, and it brought me much closer to God. After that race I found a Bible study called "Run for God," and it was exactly what I had experienced, so I led a Bible study group to do their first 5k and 10k as we went through that. And now a devotional book is coming out in November from the Run for God people, and I have my marathon story in it! (Which is exciting!) I thought God and I were good, what else was there to hand over?

Interesting thing about God, He always figures out what you are holding back from Him, and then He asks for it to be given to Him. I joked with my brother when he was here for a visit a couple months ago, "Can't I have anything for myself? Must God take EVERY thing?" My brother is an Episcopal Priest, and he knows what I mean. God likes to insert Himself into every aspect of our lives, and then He likes to take it over. Even when something is "good," like running, He still wants it under submission to Him. He may not take away what we love (although He may do that sometimes) but He will make sure we are glorifying Him in whatever we do. Because He is Holy, and He wants everything in the Christian's life to reflect His perfect Holiness. (And that is quite a process, because I am neither "perfect" nor "holy.")

“Since you have heard about Jesus and have learned the truth that comes from him, throw off your old sinful nature and your former way of life, which is corrupted by lust and deception. Instead, let the Spirit renew your thoughts and attitudes. Put on your new nature, created to be like God — truly righteous and holy.” (Ephesians 4:21-24 NLT)

That verse may not seem like it applies at first glance, because my running may not fit the category of "old sinful nature" or "lust and deception" but I am in process of letting the Spirit renew my thoughts and attitudes. And part of putting on my "new nature" is to be like God, as the verse says. "Truly righteous and holy," are the words it uses to describe this new nature. So, it does apply.

I also heard a sermon on 1 John 5:20-21, "²⁰And we know that the Son of God has come and has given us understanding, so that we may know him who is true; and we are in him who is true, in his Son Jesus Christ. He is the true God and eternal life. ²¹ Little children, keep yourselves from idols." And again, you may read verse 21 and think, "I don't have any idols! How does that verse apply to me?" But it does apply when you think of an idol in these terms: an idol is anything we love more than we love God, or give a higher place than God in priority in our life. Now can you think of anything that is an idol in your life? The Pastor that was giving this sermon said even our children can be our idol. And that would be very easy to do, because their needs go before my needs, and I love them so dearly. But even they need to take a back seat to God. May sound a little strange, but as Deuteronomy 6:5 says, "You shall love the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your might." And Jesus quoted that verse as the greatest commandment!

So, there is my little lesson for the day. Which is actually quite a BIG lesson, if you think about it. Because as human beings we have a sinful nature, and we are not perfect, so there will be many things in our life that God will be asking us to lay on the altar before Him. Just as Abraham was willing to lay his own son, Isaac, on the altar of sacrifice to God, we too must be willing to do the same. Abraham was lucky, an Angel of the Lord stopped his hand before he sacrificed his son. And perhaps God will do the same thing in my life, and in your life. He will ask for the sacrifice, but not take it away completely (like my running). But you must be willing to give it up.Because perhaps He will take it under submission and take away the idol completely from you, because it is a stumbling block in your life. But just know this, if He asks for the sacrifice, He has a better plan for you. He will replace the idols of your life with greater blessings and the gift of fellowship with Him. Fellowship with the creator, God?! How mind blowing is that? I am humbled by that thought, that God is jealous for my time, and desires to be in fellowship with ME. Little ol' me.

God bless you all today, and always. Amen.