Let Love Lead

    In June 2015 I wrote this article The Day Love Won in which I concluded that homosexuality, and whether we accept it as okay or deny it as a sin, "isn't a marriage issue. It is a heart issue. It is a salvation issue." Because I wanted to answer the questions, "Is gay marriage something that would be blessed by God?" Its been 6 years since I wrote that blog, and I have some new insights.  

    Here is some background on me. I was raised in a strong protestant evangelical Christian home. In fact my Dad was a pastor of a non-denominational community church. My Mom was raised in a Christian home and had a large impact on me as a person with deep faith and reliance on Jesus and the Bible as her helper and her guide in life. I also drew close to God in my teen years, as my parents ended up divorcing, and continued to pursue my personal relationship with Jesus Christ. I love God. I love Jesus. And I have invited the Holy Spirit to reside in my heart. I believe in the Bible with all my heart and soul.  

    Growing up I was taught certain things, and believed them because I was taught to understand the Scripture in a certain way. There are two verses in the New Testament that mention the word "homosexual," for example, and those verses informed me on how I viewed the LGBTQ community.

1 Corinthians 6:9-10 NIV "Or do you not know that wrongdoers will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived: Neither the sexually immoral nor idolaters nor adulterers nor men who have sex with men nor thieves nor the greedy nor drunkards nor slanderers nor swindlers will inherit the kingdom of God." 

And 1 Timothy 1:8-11 NIV "We know that the law is good if one uses it properly. We also know that the law is made not for the righteous but for lawbreakers and rebels, the ungodly and sinful, the unholy and irreligious, for those who kill their fathers or mothers, for murderers, for the sexually immoral, for those practicing homosexuality, for slave traders and liars and perjurers—and for whatever else is contrary to the sound doctrine that conforms to the gospel concerning the glory of the blessed God, which he entrusted to me." 

    However, did you know that the word "homosexual" did not appear in any Bible until 1946 in English versions and until 1982 in German versions? This is according to this article: Has "Homosexual" Always Been in the Bible? According to this article, in older versions of the Bible the word "arsenokoitai" in these verses were translated as "boy molesters." Boy molesters! Not homosexuals! I think we can all agree that a boy molester deserves the worst punishment of Hell! But I disagree that homosexuals should be lumped together in one general sweeping statement, and be regarded as abominations and deserving of Hell! Simply because they are a homosexual do they deserve eternal damnation? Another article I read explains further the meaning of the words used in Corinthians and Timothy: 1corinthians-69-10-1timothy-19-10/ Boy molesters could also be interpreted as male prostitutes (malakoi) and the other word (arsenokoitai) are those that exploit them, sexual slave owners in other words. 

    I have met and befriended several gay men, lesbian women, and bi-sexuals. Some of them are not saved, some are agnostic, others have had a Salvation experience and believe in Jesus Christ as their personal Savior. One particular man I met (I firmly believe) is a Christian. I have grilled him, asked him questions, witnessed to him, sat down for heart to hearts and scoured the Scriptures together to seek the truth. He has an understanding of the Bible, and can explain Scriptures back to me in a Spirit filled manner. I am convinced that he is saved AND gay. I know I can't be the judge of that, only God knows if a person is going to Heaven or not. But from all I can tell, in my human-ness, he is a Christian. 

    I know there are plenty of homosexuals that are not saved as well. And there are behaviors within the gay community that are not godly by any means. But you could also say that about behaviors in the straight community! Its not "being gay" that is the sin. I truly believe these men and women are born that way, and have not chosen to be gay as a lifestyle choice. Several have even struggled with it to the point of trying to pray it out of themselves, and would rather be straight if they could! Its a struggle that no one in their right mind would willingly put on themself, to be living a life as a homosexual man or woman. Its not an easy road to travel. Yet, there are so many that are still living as a homosexual. It makes you ask yourself some hard questions. "Is being gay a choice or are you born that way?" and "Is it possible to be both gay and a Christian?" "Would God ever bless same sex marriage?" And these questions have been on my mind for a long time now. 

    I know there are verses in the Old Testament that say a man should not lay with a male as with a woman. There are arguments that say that the verse is actually saying a man should not lay with a BOY as with a woman. Again, referring to pederstry. However, even if it is referring to a man laying with a man, there could be another reason to believe this was a law given to the people of Israel for those people, in that time. That this law was meant to set them apart from other nations, a part of the "Holiness Code." And I believe it was also important to God to make sure they continued to populate as a nation, because any act that didn't allow for reproduction was forbidden. Also, this way the lines of man vs woman stayed very distinct. According to a Pastor of a church in Calgary Canada, called Commons Church, the old testament laws in Leviticus were most likely expressing a desire to preserve the active male role in sex, and not taking the passive role of a woman. These Levitical rules were about creating very clear lines and clear rules and not crossing boundaries. You can hear his take in this video: Has "Homosexual" always been in the Bible? He challenges us to use Jesus' ethic of love to guide us in our understanding of the Bible and how to interact with the world around us. It was also pointed out to me that this verse could be about how in that culture women were property, and a man laying with another man was showing disrespect by treating another man as property. (Which stays in the same lines as preserving the "male" vs "Female" roles.) They also can be seen as a condemnation on incestuous acts, or even a married man committing adultery. All possibilities. And something to ponder. In short these two verses, Leviticus 18:22 and 20:13 are not about a homosexual sex act specifically. 

    There is also the verses in Romans 1:26-27 that said this group of people "...abandoned them to their shameful desires" and that they "turned from their natural way..." as women slept with women and men slept with men. These were sexual acts done as part of worship to a god, an idolatrous religious practice. Its been said that the acts were part of a fertility cult worship. This is not addressing homosexuals. This would be more so condemning heterosexuals who were experimenting with homosexuality. And obviously any sexual act performed outside of marriage is condemned in the Bible. And Paul's language is condemning the acts in the context of idol worship.

    If these verses of the Bible have been mis-interpreted, or mis-represented, then we have done the LGBTQ community an injustice! I don't think we need to accept every behavior as "okay," but I do believe that same sex love between two adult men or two adult women should not be looked down on or rejected, but accepted. And I believe marriage should be legal for these men and women. 

    I know I have said that marriage is a Biblical institution and that the Bible only shows us as being between one man and one woman. However, at the same time, marriage is a complex relationship composed of many complimentary purposes. #1 procreation (Gen. 1 :22) #2 Companionship (Gen. 2:8) #3 The model of Christ's love (Eph. 5:22) All of these are important, but not all necessary to be existent to be a marriage. For example, procreation. Not every heterosexual couple can pro-create, yet their marriage is just as valid as the next. And does it not say it is better to marry than to burn with passion, in 1 Corinthians 7:9? Companionship is important to most men and women, who don't have the gift of celibacy. The apostle Paul would argue its better to be single than to marry, but even he acknowledged that for some people that is not possible, and marriage is a better option than to keep lusting in the flesh. Marriage is about self sacrificial love. Being truly committed to another person unconditionally. And these things can be had by the same-sex couple. If they want to commit to one person self sacrificially, why not allow it?

    I believe in abstinence and celibacy as perfectly viable options for any man or woman. It is not, however, meant to be a permanent status for all people. Some people should get married, and all men and women should be able to marry the person they love. No matter if it is a person of the same sex! Adam was brought Eve, because God knew she was his suitable helpmate. She was for Adam. Adam was for Eve. But that is an individual situation. Is it not possible that some men's perfect companion to be another man? If they have same sex attractions, it seems logical. And same for women. 

    Jesus was asked about divorce by the Pharisees, and in Matthew 19:4-6 Jesus states back to them, "Haven't you read," he replied, "that at the beginning the Creator made them male and female, and said, ' For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh'? So they are no longer two, but one. Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate." Jesus is not defining marriage here, but rather answering a question regarding divorce. Jesus never addresses same-sex acts or sexual orientation ever. Jesus in fact said divorce and remarriage was the same as adultery. (Matthew 5:32) Yet here we are as evangelical Christians, allowing the divorced and remarried to sit in our pews and worship next to us. Adulterers?! And of course we are... We are in the business of ministering to people who are sinners. We all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, after all. Right? (Romans 3:23) So even if you believe homosexuality is a sin, shouldn't we at the very least allow all persons, regardless of their sexual orientation, who profess Jesus Christ and obedience to Him, to be or become full members of the church? People with same sex attraction are loved by God, just as anyone else is. John 3:16 tells us this, "God so loved the WORLD..." and "He gave his only begotten son so that WHOSOEVER believe in him shall not perish and have eternal life." This is not a gospel only for the straight person, this is for the LGBTQ community just as much.

    We are all created in God's image, Genesis 1:26 says as much, "Let us make man in our image..." Therefore we all deserve love and respect. Even if we do not approve of homosexual practices we should at the very least show sympathy and respect for homosexuals. I read a quote somewhere that says, "I will treat people as they are all welcome at the table and equal before the cross." Who are we to reject one group of people at the door of the sanctuary and accept another group, welcoming them through that same door, with sins that are blatantly taught against by Jesus himself?

    Now, I believe we should treat those within committed relationships as positive, regardless of sexual orientation. Celibacy or marriage should be acceptable states of the LGBTQ community. Wouldn't it be nice if we could welcome everyone and then pray together and figure out where God wants to take us? Instead of passing judgment. Let the Spirit lead. Let LOVE lead!

What is the requirement for salvation? Romans 10:9-3 sums it up: 

If you declare with your mouth, “Jesus is Lord,” and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved. For it is with your heart that you believe and are justified, and it is with your mouth that you profess your faith and are saved. As Scripture says, “Anyone who believes in him will never be put to shame.” For there is no difference between Jew and Gentile—the same Lord is Lord of all and richly blesses all who call on him, for, “Everyone who calls on the name of the Lord will be saved.”

This goes for anyone. You will be saved if you do what this verse says. Romans 8:28 also tells us nothing can separate us from God's love! NOTHING! And Galatians 3:26 says, "So in Christ Jesus you are all children of God through faith..." And verse 28 says "There is neither Jew nor Gentile, neither slave nor free, nor is there male and female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus." Faith in Christ is the great equalizer. Not one type of person is better than another type or group of people. If you believe in Christ, that is what matters most. 

What it boils down to is our relationship with God and each other. Each person has to evaluate how they are living their life. There is a problem with coming up with a clear cut moral code that we can 100% live up to 100% of the time. No one can do that. People come to Christ as they are, and remain the same person, while righteousness is doing its work to perfect us. However, none of us are perfect, and none of us will be perfected until we see Jesus face to face. (1 John 3:2) None of us are on the "right side." Not one of us can claim perfection morally or claim we know everything God knows. Why don't we sit next to one another in church and see where God takes us? 

As my brother told me there is an order to things. "Belong. Believe. Behave." We first need to welcome people in, and let them know they belong, before we expect them to believe. But right now we are turning them away before they even get to the door of the church! Don't turn people away from salvation! Behavior follows belief. And we should allow time and patience for a person's behaviors to align with Jesus. We don't make the time line. God does. For some of us it will take a life time! 

Again, let us lead with love instead of hate. Do not point your fingers in judgement against a group of people in fear of what may happen if you let them sit next to you in church. You may find everything will be alright. Aren't we in the practice of accepting sinners? And are we not focused on preaching the gospel message? Then lets do that! Let LOVE lead!

Journey to Find My Passion

I have been analyzing my life, where I am versus where I was, and decided I am on a journey. I have been on journeys before, one of which led me to running. Right now I am on a new journey and I am not sure if the end result will be a renewed passion for running again, but it might.

In 2011 I started my running career 45 pounds lighter than I am now. I was able to run half marathons at a 10 minute per mile pace at my fastest, and 10:30 min per mile on average. I could run for several hours on end and completed 4 full marathons in under 6 hours. I ran one of those full marathons in only 5 hours and 20 minutes, which for me was pretty good. I also could run one mile at a pace of 9 minutes, or even a little faster! I never claimed to be the fastest runner, but I was a "runner" nonetheless.

Compare that person to me now. I am 45 pounds heavier than that runner in 2011, and am finding running even one mile difficult. I have been walk/ running through a mile for a while now and have only been able to push myself to run a full mile without stopping a few times.  And when I do run the entire time I complete it in 14 minutes, not 9 like I used to. I have hiked 4 or 5 miles in this new heavier body, but that doesn't include a lot of running and took several hours to complete. I am happy I am able to do THAT at least. Hiking can be beautiful with all of nature and the sky to look at.

Lately though, I haven't been able to hike. We are currently in the midst of the COVID 19 virus scare of 2020. We aren't supposed to meet up in groups and we are to keep a distance of 6 feet between us and anyone in the outside world we may come across. I have friends that still will go outside for a run or hike alone, but I haven't been. My husband has read that the virus can hang in the air for several hours after someone sneezes or coughs, and he doesn't want me to inadvertently run through an area where the virus is hanging around and breath it in. And this is out of love, so I understand and respect his wishes. The treadmill has been my way to get a run in, and lately I have been doing workout videos for exercise.

At least I have been starting to workout again. I wasn't doing too much of that for a while. I have been working out at least 5 days a week lately, and have felt that spark of passion rise up in me that was there before.

Back in 2011 I was going to a boot camp and exercising 5 days a week and got to my ideal weight. Then I was challenged to run my first 5k, and then my first half marathon. Then the fire in my belly stirred and I wanted to keep running halfs and then full marathons. As I wrote in my previous blog, I slowed down my running quite a bit in 2018/ 2019. Some weeks I ran only once, others not at all. And all the while my weight was creeping up on me. But I didn't care too much, I was focused on getting rest more than anything else. I just couldn't get myself out of bed at 5am anymore for a gym workout or a run. I was depressed and mentally exhausted.

So, here I am. On a new journey to find my passion again. Working out again 5 days a week has helped me feel more "normal." Or more like myself again. And who knows, maybe it will lead me back to that 5k, and then running half marathons again? Right now I don't want to sign up for any races. Definitely not until a mile is no longer a chore for me to run. I hope to get on that treadmill and work my way up to running a 5k without stopping once again. No breaks. And not feeling slow and sluggish either. It may take me a while, but I hope to get there sooner than later. And I hope that passion in my belly returns in the process. If not, then I hope a new passion for some other adventure presents itself. After all, I have been on journeys of self discovery before, and not all roads led to a marathon. hah :)

Where did she go?

I haven't blogged about running since the end of 2017. You may have wondered, "Where did she go?" I have been wondering that lately myself.

Today I ran the Carlsbad 5k in CA. Usually I would sign up for the half marathon, or perhaps even the full, but I haven't been running as much lately and I knew when I signed up for this race last year I may not be ready to run a half. I was right.

2018 I stopped blogging, I just didn't have anything to say anymore. And 2019 mentally I took a nose dive. 2020 I am trying to pull out of this downward spiral.

The lady in the photo is not the same runner she was 4 years ago, or even 3 years ago, when she was at her peak. No she is very different now.

What happened? Well, a few major life events in 2018. I was laid off at work, right in the midst of a move. We were putting up our house for sale and moving into my in-law's house, to combine households and help each other out more. We had just finished doing some remodeling projects in our old house, and now here we were moving and diving into more remodeling projects. I guess it was a blessing that I got laid off that day, in a strange sort of way. It was the last day of school for my kids, so I went to their school and watched them play games and say goodbye to their buddies for the Summer. By God's grace I found a new job within a week of being laid off, and started a couple weeks later. This gave me time to help do some major moving of our belongings from one house to the other. (The in-law's house was only two houses down, by the way. So we didn't have to go far.)

While this isn't a bad thing, any change is stressful on a person. Add to this major move some health problems that my Dad was going through, and you add another layer of stress. He was in and out of the hospital and had a lot of ER visits that Summer. Eventually things settled down, and he is okay. But my Dad has dementia, and that will never go away. The stress of caring for him still weighs heavily on my shoulders. He doesn't live with us (we are kind of packed with our two kids and the in-laws already). But even so, the care taking and major decision making sits on my shoulders. My only other living immediate family member is my brother, and he lives on the East Coast. About as far away from me as one can get. While his counsel is wise and much appreciated, he isn't here to physically take on any part of our Dad's care. I do have the help of my Dad's roommates. And I am thankful for all they do. But watching my Dad being changed by dementia, and losing his ability to care for himself... all of that causes me to be sad and depressed. I know I shouldn't let it, but it does.

Then you add on the layer of stress of losing a job, and starting a new one. All while living through a major remodel of the NEW house. While we already just lived through the remodel of our OLD house. It's not easy to live in a house while the kitchen is torn apart. Or to be displaced in different bedrooms while other bedrooms are being worked on. For almost a year my daughter and son shared a room. At first they thought it was fun and exciting. Eventually they just annoyed each other to death and couldn't wait for their own space again! My husband and I weren't even in our own soon to be Master Bedroom, with its newly remodeled Master Bathroom yet! Yes, these were blessings. And we signed up for all of this. But it put a lot of stress on my life.

I see it all as layers. Layer upon layer of stress. First the remodel layer, then the sale of our house, then getting laid off, then the layer of moving and looking for a new job, then learning a new job, and living through another remodel. Add to that the care taking layer, and the worry I carry regarding my Dad's dementia and his precarious future. Soon I wasn't working out as much and choosing a full night's sleep over getting up early to hit the pavement for a run, or going to the gym. I believe sleep is very important, but so is exercise. But I just didn't have the energy for it all. So I picked rest as my priority.

2019 came along and the remodeling was over. Thank goodness. I could breathe easier, you would think. But something was still lingering over me. I was consumed by another layer, grief. Anniversaries of family member's deaths, and the anniversary of a very dark moment in my life all pulled me down. I typically handle these months okay, but this year was not good. 2019 started in grief, and ended in grief.

And then I lost my job... again! In November 2019, right before Christmas. This time it took a month to find a new job. I am grateful it didn't take longer, don't get me wrong! But let's just say its not the time of year one wants to be out of a job. (I am very blessed by my new job. And some very good things have come out of it already. But learning new skills and change is always stressful, even if good... like I said.)

What I did start doing near the end of 2019 was seek out professional help. I joke with the title of this blog, "I am only half crazy," but there is some truth to that statement. My Mother was severely bi-polar, and it runs in my family. While I don't have the manic mood swings that she had, I do have the depressive episodes. And for several years running was enough to manage it. But, as I said, sleep was becoming my priority over getting up and running or working out. My mental health was compromised, and all these layers of stress upon stress, and then the final blows of the grief came over me, and I just couldn't hold myself together anymore. My doctor said I may have to stay on meds for the rest of my life this time (instead of getting off them due to my training for running marathons, and how that made me feel).

While it was nice to be able to say running saved my sanity, and to be off medication, I have to say I am okay with being on meds again. I always told people that if I had to go back on meds I would. And I always encouraged others to stay on their medication, as prescribed by their doctor. I witnessed first hand how medication helped my Mom stay sane and out of the mental hospital. I know its important.

So now here I am. Overweight and under exercised. Mentally fragile and ready for this season to be over with. This 5k was a struggle. It was a struggle for me to decide to go. It was a struggle to run it. It was a struggle to find the will to travel to Carlsbad and do the thing I signed up to do. Luckily I had a friend that had signed up to do the half and we decided to share a hotel room together before the race. If it wasn't for her I am sure I would have just let it go. Everything seems so difficult to do these days.

I am writing this hoping this will get me going again. Give me purpose. Give me a reason to run and blog again. I also hope this helps others seek out help too. Life is full of twists and turns, ups and downs. If you need help, get it. There is no shame in needing help or needing medication. Just do it. You will feel better.

Journey to Hope Race 26.2

I just completed my 4th full marathon, on November 4, 2017! It was my 2nd slowest time, coming in at 5:53. The cut off time was 6 hours. But I made it!

My 1st marathon I ran the L.A. Marathon to raise money for melanoma research, in memory of my brother Paul and his wife Ruth. I finished in 5:59. That story is here: 3/9/14 26.2 done!

My 2nd marathon I ran the Richmond VA Marathon, and got my fastest time at 5:07. I ran for #megsmiles in support of a grieving family.  That story is here: Meg Smiles in VA #megsmiles

My 3rd full was the same race as my first, the L.A. marathon. I ran it wearing my LIFE Runner shirt, to support pregnancy crisis centers and to promote pro-life, and pro-love. I ran with my SoCal Meg's Miles friend, Doris. We ran the whole way together, coming in at 5:25. It was my "redemption run," after struggling through the first time. Here is the story of that full: Last Minute Marathoner

The 4th had a similarity to the 3rd one, I ran the whole way with a friend. This time it was with my MRTT friend Miranda. And she stuck it out with me the whole way, even though she could have easily ran ahead (she was feeling pretty amazing, and me... not so much.) But we agreed when we signed up to run the whole way together, no matter who was feeling good or who had to stop or what. Every step would be together. We figured it wasn't worth it to separate for a few minutes of time difference (we tend to be within minutes of each other at races we have run together before). And she had a full marathon to complete the next week that has a 5 hour cut off. She was willing to take it slower with me, if I needed to go slower. (And I did.)

This time I ran to support the grieving. Miranda lost her Mom earlier this year, and I lost my Mom in 2009. We both dedicated our run to our Moms, top left is my bib and bottom is her Journey to Hope bib.

Journey to Hope is a walk event I put on earlier this year in April, to show love and support to people in their journey of grief, and to raise money for Grief Share.  I still had some walk/5k bibs from the virtual portion left, as well as some 5k medals, and I didn't want them to go to waste.  So I decided to ask people to make a donation to Grief Share, and in exchange I would run a 5k for their loved one and give them the medal, or they could have me run for a friend who lost someone, and I would send them a medal as a gift. Below is a photo of the medals/bibs I had left:

While I was training for my 4th marathon I would write the name of a loved one, and the person's name that lost that loved one, on a bib and then I would run 3 plus miles for them. Sometimes running for multiple people if my run was longer. One day I ran in honor of 4 husbands and 1 son that had passed away during a 16 mile run, for example. After I ran out of dedications from and donations from other people, I started to run for friends that I saw struggling after a loss of a loved one. And then I gave them a medal as a reminder that they are not alone. The medal says, "You are Not Alone!" on them, the theme of my event.

Often we journey through grief alone. It is a process that is as unique as each individual and each relationship. However, I wanted to create a way for people to feel loved and supported in that journey. And that what this is all about. Showing love and support to people who are at their bottom emotionally. I have been there.

I lost my Mom in 2009 to a heart attack, I lost my brother Paul in 2011 to metastatic melanoma and his wife Ruth in 2012 also from melanoma! To say the grief and loss was thick, is an understatement. There were many times the waves of grief pulled me under, and I felt like I would never be able to come back up for air! Then I came across Grief Share, a program that has daily devotionals and a 12 week course you can attend at churches. It took me a while to get to the church meetings. So, the daily devotional you get in your email in-box is a great place to start. So often we just aren't ready to weep openly in front of a group of strangers. But I will attest to the fact, when I started attending the classes, it helped immensely. Even more so than just getting those daily emails... and those emails were a life saver!

I wrote about what I call going from "clouds of sorrow to clouds of hope" before. Its how God has spoken to me in my own journey through grief. And is why my event, Journey to Hope, has a cloud/ sky theme to it. God has really been there for me, comforting me. Drawing me near to Him. And as the scriptures say,  "He comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort others. When they are troubled, we will be able to give them the same comfort God has given us." 2 Corinthians 1:4 NLT

Here are photos of the Journey to Hope bibs that I wore on race day

     

I attached a bib in honor of my Mom to the front of my shirt. And put the other bibs on O-rings, and hung them off my water pack. They were at my back, and motivating me, pushing me along those 26.2 miles.

Mile 1 was dedicated to my Mom, plus the whole marathon. From the top of the mountain, to the bottom. This one's for you, Mom. Love you! #NeverForgotten #AlwaysLoved

Mile 2, dedicated to my #megsmiles friend Dee Renn, in honor of her Mom. Her Mom died from a heart attack, like my Mom. 

During my miles I prayed for each person and their loss. Asking the Lord to comfort them and bring them peace. 

Mile 3, dedicated to my #megsmiles friend Kelly J. Anderson, in honor of her Mom.  She has recently done the "Out of Darkness" walk to bring suicide awareness in her memory. There is also the Project Semi Colon that I am referencing with the ";" and #KeepGoing.  Depression and suicide has affected my family, and me personally as well. It was a honor to run to honor her Mother's life and help raise some awareness myself along the way.

Mile 4 and 5, dedicated to my #megsmiles friend Mary Barney. She lost her Dad recently, and suddenly, to a heart attack. I had dedicated a 5k to her Mom, whom she calls "Marmee," during training. Her Mom fought a brave battle against cancer, and eventually lost that battle. And then after I ran that 5k, dedicated to her Mom, she told me about her father. Broke my heart. She has gone through so much. But I know God is able to bring her through this grief journey, as He has brought me through mine.  #youarenotalone

Mile 6, dedicated to my friend, Betsy Nickless' Mom, Sue. We used to meet with a group called RunningFriends4Life. I prayed for her family as they cope with this loss of a dear loved one.











Mile 7, dedicated to a friend I met through my fitness boot camp, Toni Gavello, for her Mom Lynn. It's never easy losing a parent, no matter what circumstance or what age.

Mile 8, dedicated to another dear #megsmiles friend, Gloria Sisneros, for her Dad. She still posts memories on his birthday, and during Father's Day. I know that even after many years, those special days can be difficult.  I also do the same with memories of my Mom and my oldest brother. I think of them literally every day.

Mile 9, dedicated to Michelle Laizure's Dad, and Mile 10 Dale Laizure's brother.  A wife and a husband, facing grief. Life can be rough. But they have handled their losses with faith, and with love towards her Mom, as her Mom navigates being a widow. 

As I was praying for them my left foot started to feel something rubbing on my big toe. And my legs were already feeling the fatigue of taking the brunt of the constant downhill slope. But I knew my struggles in this full can not compare to the loss of a loved one. So I pressed on.

Mile 11, dedicated to another #megsmiles friend, Kristi Allen. For her step-Dad-Ray. Her posts about her loss of her loving step-dad on Facebook were very moving. I felt her sorrow, and felt compelled to reach out to her and run for Ray. I have never met her in person, but she is still a part of the running community that I love so dearly. And I feel its important to reach out to the hurting, and show encouragement when its in our ability to do so.

Mile 12 was dedicated the the victims and family of those in the Las Vegas shooting. I have friends in my MRTT (Mom's Run This Town) group that have personally been affected by this horrible event. And 50 plus more families are out there that are dealing with their grief. So I prayed during this mile for all of these people. That the hope we have in Christ, and the goodness of God is not overshadowed by the evil that exists in this world. I prayed that each family would draw closer to God, in their time of need for comfort and peace. 

Mile 13. I wore this bib on a training run on 6/6/17. Chelsea's husband, Gio, made a donation to Grief Share and asked me to run for his wife, in honor of her Dad, Frank. I gladly did so. And during my marathon I wanted to carry her in prayer once again. I know Chelsea and Gio from church.

At this point in the marathon my buddy and I stopped to help a fellow runner who was having foot/ shoe problems and hip pain. I love how fellow runners are willing to stop and help each other. My legs were also getting very stiff at this point, and the hills were just about to start. Still, no turning back at this point. Just as in life, you 

have to keep going. Life doesn't stop and wait for us to grieve. All you can do sometimes is do the next thing. Get out of bed. Take a shower. Eat. Go to work. One step, one foot in front of the other. Just like I had to do to finish this marathon.

Mile 14, dedicated to a friend I met through church, Leslie Paulsen. This is also an original bib I wore in training. Leslie made a donation and requested I wear this bib for her and her siblings, as they still were dealing with the loss of their parents. 

Mile 15, dedicated to a stranger. I saw a post by my friend Lashell on #megsmiles. And I had Rebekah and her kids on my prayer list. As I was dedicating miles I decided to run in honor of Rebekah's husband. He got into an accident while running, and later passed away. Our running community was praying for him to pull through. Once he passed, our prayers turned to Rebekah and her kids, that the Lord would comfort them during this time of loss and sorrow. 

Mile 16, dedicated to another stranger, Becky. She lost her husband to an illness. He was on our prayer chain at church, posted by my dear friend Melissa Murphy. Melissa is her Sister-in-law.  She has also undergone loss, her Father passed away. And many family emergencies have put this family through so much. But Melissa and Bob continue to show firm faith in Christ. I prayed for this family, for their comfort and peace.  If anyone can help them through these trials, it is our loving Heavenly Father. 

Mile 17, dedicated to a friend from my church. When I met her she had just lost her husband about 6 months earlier. And I met her precious boy Carson, and her daughter Lilian. Carson died a few months later in an accident. I won't post the details, they aren't needed. But I sang at Carson's funeral, and one year later I ran for him and his Dad during a training run on the anniversary of his passing from this life into Heaven. I have no doubt he is there, an angel looking down on his Momma. And he will forever be in her heart. 

Mile 18. As I dedicated a mile to Jaime I thought of so many friends that have told me about the loss of a child, or a baby. And it is heart breaking, each and every story. I prayed for the Moms and Dads of these babies, lost in utero, after being born, or at a very young age. I can't imagine the depth of their loss. Except to say, I know grief is as deep as our love for the one we lost. And I know that the love for these children is deep, and they are missed every single day. #NeverForgotten #AlwaysLoved 

Grief=Love

Mile 19, dedicated to a friend through #megsmiles as well, Courtney. I dedicated a 5k during my training on Gray's birthday in Heaven.  Gray was a baby, and her 3rd son. And she loves him and misses him every day. I love her heart, and her strength. She does so much to support programs that help children deal with grief, for her boys. And has done runs in Gray's name to help raise funds. And so many other things. Her love is big, her grief is big, and out of this grief God has done some beautiful things. That's how God works! Romans 8:28

During mile 19 I was REALLY feeling the pain in my legs, and I was struggling and fighting for each mile. 

Mile 20 was dedicated to a gentleman at my church, for his adult son Caleb. I sang at Caleb's funeral, which was more a celebration of life and a way for Neil to share Caleb's faith in Christ. It was a beautiful ceremony. Very uplifting, if you can believe it. But Neil still misses his son deeply. As I struggled to reach the end of mile 20, I knew I couldn't give up. Just as Neil can't give up. There is hope! God will get him through!

Mile 21 approached, still struggling. I dedicated this mile to my friend from my Bible Study group, Run for God. We have walked and run together many times. And recently her son was taken by suicide. I attended his funeral, and was struck by the phrase, "Suicide is a permanent solution to temporary feelings." So true. And now here Steph and her family is, dealing with their pain of loss. 

I may have been struggling with a race, but it paled in comparison to this loss. It kept me pushing on.

Mile 22 dedicated to the friends and family of those taken by suicide. Many people have suffered due to mental illness. And there is a project called, "22 too many" that many of my running friends have started to run for. People run in honor of vets that have lost their battle to depression, because of PTS and other problems. 

The families and friends left behind in these cases are hurting, and this project brings hope. They were in my prayers during this mile.

Mile 23, dedicated to my brother Paul and my sister-in-law Ruth. I have a virtual run that I do every year in July, on my birthday, that raises money for melanoma research in their honor. I have run many miles for Paul and Ruth. But that doesn't mean I miss them any less. Every day I think about them. And most of all, Paul. I see him in my kids. I remember who he was and what he meant to me, as my big brother. I cherish the years I had with him, and I miss him. I wish my kids would have gotten the chance to know him. 

Mile 24, my brother and Ruth died from Melanoma cancer. And there are so many people that I know that have suffered a loss because of cancer. So I wanted to make a dedication to them. 

As I was coming to the end of the race, the hill ended and the road flattened out. I had been waddling/ running and walking off and on. As I thought about Paul and Ruth, and the people that have suffered loss from Cancer, I felt a burst of energy. (Or maybe it was the 1/4 piece of donut I got at the water station at mile 24... lol)

I thought about my #megsmiles friend, Jorge, as mile 25 approached. He lost his Dad to cancer. And I thought about Papa Coria, and how he was in Heaven with my brother Paul 

Mile 25, For Jorge, in honor of his Papa. As I prayed for Jorge, thought of his Papa and thought of my brother Paul I felt energized again. I started running, not waddling anymore! (It may have been a slow run, but I felt good!) Then a song came on my iPod, "Feel It," that even got me dancing! I was waving my hands in the air, and my buddy had a good song playing on her headphones, she was dancing and skipping along too!

There were cars on the side of the road stuck in traffic. I am sure they thought we were crazy! 

We stopped briefly again at mile 25, and then we stepped it up again. Mile 26 came, and it was dedicated to a very special family, Pam and Wirt Cross, for their daughter Meg of #megsmiles. 

As I reached mile 26 I looked down at my #megsmiles blue silicone bracelet, and I thought about all my running buddies cheering me on throughout the country, virtually.

I ran strong, to make them proud. To finish strong. #MegStrong And to make my Mom proud.

I ran for those we have loved and lost. All 26 PLUS point 2, for those in their journey of grief. 

#JourneytoHope #YouareNotAlone #GriefShare

#NeverForgotten #AlwaysLoved

May you be led from clouds of sorrow, to clouds of hope! I pray this in Jesus name, Amen!

Speaking of clouds, the views were amazing on that mountain. 

For my Mom, Lois Humphrey.

Revel Canyon City Marathon, Azusa CA. 

Nov 4, 2017

My Journey to Hope Race

A special thank you to Miranda. As we crossed the finish line the announcer said both our names and said, "Friends that do things together. Have fun together. And smile together." Ain't that the truth! 

Counting My Blessings

On 4/22/17 I put on a walk for people going through grief. I called it the "Journey to Hope" walk. It was held at Yorba Regional Park in Anaheim, CA. And we walked around the paths that wound around the lakes there. It was just under 2 miles long.

The money raised from the walk, and a virtual 5k, will be used to support Grief Share programs. Either to supply books to churches that already have a program, or to start a new Grief Share class at a church that wants to purchase the program. (To find out how your church can receive these donations please email: journeytohoperace@gmail.com)

NOTE: I will have virtual 5k medals available until the end of 2017, or until I sell out... whichever comes first. This is the reg link: Journey to Hope Virtual 5k

This blog entry is to record all the amazing things God planned for this date, 4/22/17. Even though I made some of the plans, God had some of His own. And I was blown away by the outcome!

Proverbs 16:9 "In their hearts humans plan their course, but the LORD establishes their steps."

There were many decisions to make. Some of the hardest were the location, the date, and the time. I looked at several places and priced out the venues. I checked out one location, and it seemed perfect, until I found out it would cost $5000 to rent! Then I found another seemingly perfect location, it had a USATF certified 5k course all planned out, and I could do the 5k and the walk there! But that was $500. Better, yes. But also a bit farther from where I live. I was concerned that the people that I know, and would want to attend, may be turned off by the distance they had to travel to get there. 

One day I was talking to a running buddy of mine during a run, and I told her about my trouble finding a course location. She puts on a lot of 5k fundraisers for charities, so I was also using her as my guru for all things event planning. She said very casually, "Why don't you just do it at Yorba Linda Regional?" And I was like, hmmmm.... maybe I should check it out. And then she said I should do it in Spring, around the time when Easter was just ending. Good thinking.

By this point I had dropped the timed 5k race idea, #1 because the cost of the timing company didn't make sense. And #2 the ideas I had for the signs along the course really didn't fit with a timed race. #3 I knew that I needed to focus on those that NEEDED this walk. Those in grief. And not the runners trying to run as fast as possible through it. So I made the 5k option "virtual" instead. Which means people could buy a bib and a medal and run wherever and whenever they wanted (and as fast as they wanted). Even if they lived in another state!

So I looked up the cost of renting a shelter, and it was $200 for a 150 person shelter. They had a 300 person shelter, but it was already rented all the days in April. But Shelter #1 was available, a 150 person shelter. And I thought, "It's doubtful I will have 300 people at my first event. But 150 seems reasonable."  I went to the park to scope the location of the shelter out, and walked around. It just felt right in my bones. It was peaceful and beautiful.

Before renting the date for 4/22/17 I talked to a gal at work about my struggle to pick a date. She opened up the calendar and talked it out with me. We figured out when Spring breaks were, and when Easter was, and decided that the 22nd sounded good. And once we she said that date she said, "That's actually the anniversary of my Mom's passing." I got chills. And I said, "I think that should be the date then." And $200 was doable! So I went ahead and rented the space.

Another big decision was the time. I settled on an evening walk. I thought, "Sad people don't want to get up at 6am for a walk on a Saturday!" And then I thought, "A sunset ceremony at the end of the day would be pretty!" So I chose 4pm to sunset.

After the location, date, and time were set it was time to get the registration page going and to get the word out. This was difficult. I work full time, and this was just a side gig for charity. I was alone in the planning, even though I had some great ears to bend when I had to think things through. But all the calls, the plans, and the decisions I had to make on my own. And by relying on God to direct my paths. (I prayed and asked for prayer over everything!)

As the date for the walk approached I had only 20 people signed up. So many things were happening that same day! Person after person told me about events, and school obligations, and sports obligations, and parties etc... I was getting frustrated! I had to cut some ideas out because of costs (like t-shirts for the walkers). And I had no idea how I would pay for the signs I wanted to post along the walk ways. And then there was food! And the closing ceremony! How was that going to be taken care of with only 20 people registered?! I freaked out. I was going to cancel altogether. And then one of my prayer warriors asked how many I had signed up. I said 20 and she said, "That's great!" I guess its all about perspective ;)

I also talked to my boot camp instructor about getting people signed up for the virtual 5k. And NO ONE had signed up. I was frustrated. And he told me, "Every one signs up last minute. Don't give up." And then he said, "If only one person's life is changed by your event, then it was worth it." He was RIGHT! I was floored that this wisdom was being given by my BOOT CAMP instructor! I mean, he's great and all, but that was amazing that he saw the event as something that could change a life! And if he could see that, then I needed to act like that was the case as well. This was too important to give up on. This was God's plan, I was just following His calling. Two ladies I spoke to also had told me, "This is a meant to be kind of event. It will all work out." I just needed to keep the faith! They were right. Even if I broke even and didn't have any money left to donate to Grief Share, if I helped others, that is all that mattered.

Next I had to come up with an idea for the signs, it cost around $13 to make a sign. I wanted 50, but didn't have any money to spend on them. Then I thought about putting a "Sponsored by" sign underneath and asking for sponsors to make a $15 donation per sign to get their logo/ business name on it. I told another gal at work about needing sponsors and she said she would sponsor a sign! I was like, "Interesting. I guess I could put the name of a loved one that has passed under the sign instead of a business name." And she loved the idea. And then another three gals at worked also loved the idea, and before I knew it I had 5 signs that day! I started to share this sign dedication idea on social media and at church, and people were hopping on that faster than any other idea I had! So amazing! I decided that no sign would be paid out of my pocket or the reg fees. Whatever the Lord provided, that's how many I would put up. And in the end I had 33! And 33 ended up being plenty. Here is an example of what the signs looked like. This one was for my Mom.

I also got a few sponsors that I would like to thank for their donations: Blessed Seasons Photography (who also gave me images to use), as well as Ryan Luna Photography (who provided images and sponsored signs), Succulents are for Sharing, College Works Painting, and John Luciano (a non-professional photographer who donated images).

Then for food I decided to drop the food truck plan ($1500 for a food truck was not in the budget). And I asked the head Deaconess at my church for help. She hopped right on it and got some pasta salad, fruit, and pizza handled, as well as offering $100 from the Deaconess fund. I decided I would have my husband Bar-b-cue some hot dogs, and get some waters and juice boxes, and that would be enough. We planned for 35 people. Done!

Lastly I had to come up with a closing ceremony. I couldn't do candles, like I had wanted. That wasn't allowed at the park without additional insurance. So I wanted to do something else. Another gal at work brainstormed with me and came up with a flower ceremony. And I loved it! So I decided to ask my neighbor, who has a flower shop locally, The Flowery in Villa Park, to donate 35 to 50 white carnations. She agreed. Done!

Location, date, time, signs, food, ceremony... it was enough to put the Journey to Hope walk on. Not fancy. But good enough! A few items purchased at the dollar store to cover the tables etc. And I was done.

As the date approached my pilot husband started to wonder if he would have to work that weekend. To take the stress off him and myself I decided to skip the hot dogs. Actually, I was at work and we got a couple trays of tacos for the office to have lunch, delivered for a guest visiting from corporate. I looked at the spread and thought, "This could feed 35 people! I wonder how much this cost?" I asked the receptionist and it was all around $165. And due to having those other sides provided by the Deaconess at church I decided I didn't need the rice and beans on the side, just a pile of tacos would be great! So I placed the order and for $100 I had 48 tacos and delivery was $12!

So those were MY plans. And my worries over money, and location, food and number of participants. By the time the walk started I had about 35 people signed up. Including my family.  What happened the day of the event is going to blow you away!

First, let me share this. I was looking for a vase for the flowers I would be getting. And then decided to go pick them up, and figure it out later. When I picked up the flowers from the florist, she told me she had 70 in a vase for me! I was blessed that I no longer had to worry about a vase, and then I said, "I only have 35 people and not 50, so I guess everyone will just get 2. Thank you!" Little did I know...!

Then it was time to set up the shelter. See the photo below? I am in blue and a white baseball cap. The people I am with are the Byrd family. They were setting up at the shelter at 1pm when I pulled into the parking lot. I was with a lady from church, my friend Melissa, that came to help me set up the course and decorate the shelter. We walked up to them and told them I had rented the shelter for an event. They apologized and started to gather their belongings to move. I told them there wasn't a hurry, my event didn't start for a few hours. But at 4pm I would have people coming to participate. And they were very polite, "We will get out of your way. No problem."

And as they were starting to pick up their lawn chairs and gather their things I asked one lady, "So what are you gathering for? To celebrate a birthday, or...?" And she said, "We are here because two Aunties died recently. And we just wanted to meet for a time of comforting and to be together." And I said, "Wait! That is why I am here!" I looked at my friend Melissa, and we both had goose bumps. My voice cracked as I explained the event, and that it was open to the public. I told her to stop her family from leaving, that I wanted them to stay. The woman said, "I don't want to intrude on your event. That is okay." And I insisted they must ALL stay. 

Soon people from her family were walking up one by one telling me they would be leaving soon, and I told them what I was doing and how they MUST STAY. I wanted them to. They were blown away, and accepted my invitation. We agreed this was a God ordained thing. A Divine appointment. I said they could just do what they were doing, it wasn't starting for a few hours. I was just arriving early to set up the course.  

Here is a crazy thing too, once they started carrying their stuff back to the shelter one gentleman asked, "Are you using the bar-b-cue?" And I smiled, "No, no I am not." They set up on the side of the shelter by the BBQ and the rest of the tables were left open. 

Also, there were about 35 of them, at least. And I thought to myself, "Now I know why I got 70 flowers today!" God knew this family would be there! April 22nd, at Yorba Regional Park, at 1pm. As they arrived, I arrived. A walk for grief, and a family grieving. God is AMAZING! 

Once the walk started about 15 or so of them came over and accepted a bib, no charge, and did the walk with us. I guided a few of them personally with the music playing from a Bluetooth speaker, playing songs I had selected for the walk. Here is the playlist link: Journey to Hope 2017 Spotify Play list  And they followed along. 

Here are some of the signs along the paths that day, and the walk participants:

One of the women told me they were her Aunties that passed. And we walked and talked along the paths. She was so sweet and we were so abundantly blessed to be there together. We both agreed God had ordained that day, that shelter, that time etc... for them to be there to meet me and to be a part of this walk for grief. The woman in Pink (center photo above) was the one that I was talking with, I think she said her name was Shirley, I am bad at remembering names, but I will never forget her. 

At the end of the walk I held the flower ceremony with music. Melissa sang "I am not alone" by Kari Jobe, accompanied by another friend from church, Jodi Spangler, on her guitar and with harmonies. I added a few vocal harmonies here and there. The family joined us for this part as well, and they took the flowers and we placed them in a vase to show how we are not alone. We are in this journey together. We have God, and we have the community of others that grieve. We understand each other. 

We who grieve need a space where we have the freedom to remember and honor our loved ones. And that is what the "Journey to Hope" walk provided. A calm and serene space in which to remember, to talk, and to grieve. But there was a feeling of joy and peace that day. Not one of gloom! People were smiling. We had joy in our hearts, and were comforted. 
I was in awe by what God had done. After all my fretting over how many were coming, or not coming, or the cost of things etc. None of it mattered at this point. God had a plan! 

On that day alone, $200 was raised for the charity, Grief Share. www.griefshare.org. I am truly blessed by everyone's generosity. Such a beautiful day! And thus far total I have raised $350 to donate to local churches, to support Grief Share programs. I hope that through the virtual 5k we can raise another $500 to $600! 

I may have not raised thousands, but it was a good start. The most important part was accomplished. God used it for the purpose that He had intended it for. To encourage others and bring glory to Himself. I am glad I didn't give up, when so many times I was tempted to.Many that attended said they want to do this again next year. And many that were not able to attend, due to other things going on that same weekend, also would like to attend the next one. I am going to move it over one week to see if that helps. I definitely plan to do this again! And I look forward to what God does with it, as the event grows over the years.

Many people told me they loved the peaceful setting at the park, and the non-rushed atmosphere. Unlike most 5k races, this was peaceful and quiet, not a lot of loud pumped up music, sponsors, vendors, and noise. We just had a wonderful time fellowshipping and remembering our loved ones together.