After I noticed the ache again, and that it wasn't going away, I started worrying. Maybe I do have a stress fracture after all! So I talked to running friends about not doing my training runs and just focusing on cardio so I could give my knee time to heal. They all think I'm smart to rest it, that I'm prepared for the marathon. I just have to keep in shape until the big day. A friend of mine that has IT band issues with her knee said to prepare for my run with bike riding. That's what she does before her half marathons. She said even though she doesn't run much before the race she feels the bike riding is sufficient to prepare her. Right now it makes sense to me. I don't need to convince myself that I can go the full distance of the 26.2 miles anymore. I was able to do the run/ walk intervals for 20 miles at an average 11:30 min per mile pace. Even if I were to stop and walk the rest of the 6.2 miles I would be done with the marathon in 5hrs and 30 min at most. (If I were to run the same way and feel the same way I did that day.) I would be happy to finish in 6 hrs, honestly. What I need to prepare myself for is 5 or 6 hours of moving continuously. Its not about practicing running anymore.
I got sick on Saturday, and was home from work Monday and Tuesday. So I decided to open my Bible, read, pray, listen to worship music, and listen for God. I've been trying to rely on God more, trust Him more, pray more etc. I don't want the run to be about me. I want to honor God in what I am doing. I know that I can not succeed in my plans without His support. And I really wanted to know if He was supporting me in this. What happened over the course of Monday and Tuesday was a full on Spiritual battle. I really didn't understand why there would be such a battle over me running the marathon. But looking back I see that I was really using the time running as time to listen to God, to seek His face, and mature spiritually. I even put a verse on the back of my shirt that I will be running in: Romans 5:3-4 "... suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character hope." (I talked about this a bit in my post "Running and Memorializing") I meditate on the songs that play on my ipod shuffle. Sometimes I don't listen to my ipod and a song will play on repeat. Just like I talked about in that post, "Oceans" by Hillsong United played over and over in my mind. Its a meditative and worshipful time when I run. And the times I talk to my running buddies we often have very deep conversations, and share spiritual insights. I think these are good reasons for Satan to not be to happy about me running the marathon. It gives me time to think about God, to meditate on his word and to witness to people through my shirt and my story, as I share it with my fellow runners. My running glorifies God in so many ways, if I really think about it. I think Satan wants to discourage me. He wants me to stop running. He doesn't want any one else to be witnessed to.
Since the song "Oceans" played in my head so often when I ran, and I heard it come on the radio so much recently, I decided to write out the words and really pay attention. God must be trying to say something to me. He tends to use music to speak to my heart, since I am a musician and love to sing. I then turned to scripture to dig deeper into the message he sent me. I read the words, I meditated on them, and I opened up the Bible and read anything that related to the song. Here are the words to that beautiful song, and what they mean for me right now:
"You call me out upon the waters, the great unknown, where feet may fail." = The L.A. Marathon is my great unknown. I have never run one, I have no idea what is going to happen. I don't know if I will succeed or if my feet (or knee) will fail me. But God is telling me "Go... do it. I will be with you." I read Isaiah 41:13, and at the end of that verse it says, "Do not fear, I will help you." And that struck me. Like God was saying that to me now. I am not alone in this.
"And there I find you in the mystery, in Oceans deep, my faith will stand." = I'm in the midst of this injury, but I need to stand on my faith that God is able to heal me. And if its His will, He will heal me. Or that he will help me do what he is calling me to do, even if I have a stress fracture. That he won't ask me to do this if it will permanently injure me. Even the Doctor I saw said that the level my stress fracture was at was not going to disable me permanently. It would just require a few weeks of rest from running.
"I will call upon your name and keep my eyes above the waves. When oceans rise my soul will rest in your embrace. For I am yours, and you are mine." = Ask God for help. Look up at him, and trust him. Lean on him. He loves me, and I love him.
"Your grace abounds in deepest waters. Your sovereign hand will be my guide. Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me, You've never failed, and you won't stop now." = God likes to use our weaknesses to glorify His name. See Corinthians 12:7-10. The Lord says to Paul, "My power is made perfect in weakness." Paul ends the chapter with, "For when I am weak I am strong." God equips the called, he doesn't call the equipped. We learn to rely on God that way, not on our own abilities and talents. And in this way we cannot fail to do what He asks of us. He always gives us the ability to do what He is asking of us. He cannot fail, even if I am a failure in my own strength.
"Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders. Let me walk upon the waters, wherever you would call me." = This particular phrase repeats quite a bit in the song and is the part that plays most often when I play it in my head. I meditate on this phrase quite a bit. What really hit me this day was that I needed to TRUST God without putting limitations on him. Don't limit God and go where he calls me. I think I was doing this, limiting God. I was saying where the borders were and calling the shots. But God is stronger than I give him credit for. I didn't realize I was doing that, not giving him enough trust for his ability to heal me, to carry me through a marathon, and to use me in a mightier way than I could possibly imagine.
"Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander, and my faith will be made stronger; in the presence of my Savior." = That's really what all this running is doing for me. Especially facing a marathon with a hurt knee. My faith is being made stronger, and I am walking in the presence of God as I meditate on songs that Glorify Him and think about what he wants to say to me that day, in that moment. I dive deeper into my soul, the chamber where God resides inside of me. And I commune with him in a deeper way than any other time. I am quiet, listening to him, for several hours. Its really a wonderful experience. No wonder I have stuck with my running for over two years now!There is a wonderful verse, Proverbs 16:3 "Commit to the Lord whatever you do, and your plans will succeed." This one always comes to mind when I make a goal. Anything that has to do with my future I need to commit it to the Lord. It's only by his grace that I can run, or that I will not be sick or injured before a race and able to complete it. Or that even when I am hurting that I can complete it.
Of course I decided to ask for prayer from my friends, and my church. When all else fails, pray. Don't be anxious, pray, and God will give you peace, right? (Philippians 4:6-7) But once I did that I got some responses that were discouraging. And it makes sense, no one wants me to run and hurt myself and be permanently injured, or unable to walk for months. Many people told me to listen to God, to not do something that was too difficult to do. To not injure myself. But what I don't think they got is that I am doing my best to heal. I am praying for healing. I am not trying to injure myself. And I am listening to God. I am having faith in God that he will heal me, because he seems to be behind this whole running idea. I am giving myself 5 full weeks off of running here, people! And I am having faith that my body will be rested, healed, but still able to run even though I stopped running. And when I say "run" I don't actually mean I am going to run full force down a 26.2 mile course without stopping, like I'm some sort of super Olympian athlete! I will be doing quite a bit of walking. And, like I said before, I have no problem walking 6 miles, or 10 miles, or whatever the Lord has me do. I'm going to listen to my body. I am not going to push myself to run on a knee that is buckling underneath me. I won't even finish the race if I can't walk it. I will remove myself and say, "This was not the day God has given me to run this marathon." And I will go home. But I have 5 weeks to heal! Today is not the day to give up. I can even arrive on race day and start and decide, "I need to go home. Its just not going to happen for me right now." I can rest my knee and do other forms of cardio, and then a few days before the race I can see a Doctor again if it still hurts. I can get an MRI if I am worried that its not healing. THEN I can cancel my run. But today, today is not the day to give up.
As I meditated on God's word some of the "Greatest Hits" came up, and they all work for what I am going through:
The Lord will guide me always (Isaiah 58:11)
Delight in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart (Psalm 37:4)
God works for the good of those who love him. (Romans 8:28)
God gives strength to the weary, and increases the power of the weak. (Isaiah 40:29)
God will meet all my needs. (Philippians 4:19)
God has plans for me, plans to prosper me not to harm me. Plans to give me hope and a future. (Jeremiah 29:11)
If I trust in the Lord with all my heart, not lean on my own understanding, submit to him, he will make my paths straight. (Proverbs 3:5-6)
The testing of my faith produces perseverance. (James 1:1-4)
If I lack wisdom I need to ask God for it and not doubt that he will provide that to me. (James 1:5-6)
The Lord gives me wisdom, knowledge, and understanding. (Proverbs 2:6)
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